by Ange Harabedian Dee

When I reached puberty, my mother sat down with her two daughters to give us "The Talk". She stumbled at first, searching for the right words to instill in us values and wisdom. She squirmed with discomfort and finally intensely proclaimed, "Motorcycles are too dangerous. If you ever go against all my warnings and ride a motorcycle, don't tell me about it - I don't want to know. Please understand girls... I would almost rather you take drugs than get on a motorcycle with some boy."

OOPS. Umm... Mom... at least I don't take drugs...

Lawrence and I are newlyweds. When we began dating a few years ago I was immediately introduced to the world of motorcycles. This article is from the perspective of a passenger who is new to motorcycles and new to bike clubs. I don't know a clutch from a caliper. In fact, here is the limited summary of everything I know about bikes:

1. Motorcycles have two tires.
2. I'm not sure what a throttle is or does, but ours is broken because it constantly gets "stuck open". However, Lawrence assures me this is a common problem and not dangerous. Certainly not something that must be fixed right away.
3. If you touch the muffler with your rubber sole shoes, they will melt and leave a mark. This causes major damage to the bike - so be careful next time!

I tell you these things only so you realize that what I learned at the rally is from a different perspective than most of you who ride. I am a passenger.

Lesson #1 - COG rallies are 50% about motorcycle riding, and 50% about buying new stuff for the bike.

Rallies begin a week before you leave with the ceremonial "purchase of new stuff". New tires, gel grips, a Rifle windscreen, tons of new tools, gauges, sprays, waxes, more tools. It also meant Lawrence abandoned me for a week while he went to Sam Ellington's to prep the bike. They were like two kids getting their toys nice and shiny to show off to the other boys. ("But Ange, It's easier to clean the bike when it gets dirty on the rally if you polish it first". Sure boys, whatever you say).

I know all the rest of you did this too because out of at least 200 bikes that showed up - no two were alike!

Lesson #2 - If you can't find your sunglasses, check your face. If you can't find your earplugs, check your ears.

While gearing up after a break at a remote gas station on Extra Terrestrial Highway in Nevada (seriously, it's really called that!) I yelled out, "Has anybody seen my sunglasses? I can't find them." The eyes of ten riders gave me a blank stare. Lawrence, with the sensitivity of a new caring husband who is trying to minimize the embarrassment of his cherished bride blurted out, "Bonehead, you're wearing them." Thanks, hon.

We were about to take off when I realized I forgot to put in my earplugs. I hate it when that happens. I get off the bike, take off my gloves, take off the helmet ... OOPS, forgot about the sunglasses - take off the shades, then takeoff the helmet. Check ears. "Um... er... yup honey, found the earplugs O.K., got 'em right here."

Must be aliens zapped me with a raygun.

Lesson #3 - The only way to relieve the boredom of crossing Nevada is to dance on your bike.

The most desolate state in the union is Nevada. They do nuclear testing in Nevada, and nobody notices. All that is in Nevada besides dirt is one long straight road. We saw Tonapah dead ahead an hour before we reached it. Thank goodness for the CD player and the headset. Blaring out Talking Heads "Once in a Lifetime". We got the bike rolling sweeping curves across both lanes to the music. We even got a little choreography together. You know, when the refrain says, "Let the water hold me up," you make your hands ride the wind in a wavy motion. We got a little voguing going, we got rockin'.

Of course, since we were in the lead, all the riders behind us thought our brains had boiled in our helmets.

Maybe it's me, but I love the idea of 10 bikes all dancing across Nevada. It would be the most exciting thing to happen in that desert since ... well.. it may be the only thing to ever happened in that desert.

Lesson #4 - Unlike a car, a bike can just fall over and do hundreds of dollars in damage.

I would never embarrass Lawrence or Sam by telling everyone how both of them dropped their bikes going less that 2 MPH. They would just be humiliated.

Lesson #5 - All one really needs to keep a motorcycle in high maintenance is duct tape.

While doing a quick repair job to his bike, Sam explained, "You can fix anything with duct tape!" This makes me realize what a sucker I was when Lawrence convinced me to spend all that money on tools last week. Next time he says he needs to buy a new air pressure gage I'll tell him to use duct tape! I'm no dummy. Thanks, Sam

Lesson #6 - It is difficult to get a good meal while going to a rally.

By mid-week we'd had a string of restaurant disasters. Tuesday night we decided we had to have at least one good meal on this vacation. So Sam, Tom Adams, Lawrence and I decided to get a nice Italian dinner. The meal was wonderful. At least I think it was wonderful. You see, after the first bottle of red wine I had trouble getting the fork to my mouth. Somehow I kept missing. It was very funny. Then again after the second bottle of red wine, even Tom's jokes were funny. All I remember after that was bumping into Joan Moody at the hotel. Before we got a chance to say anything she announced to the blur standing next to her that she thought we must be drunk. I thought that was hysterical. Of course, by that time I thought the color of my white tennis shoes was hysterical.

Lesson #7 - Riding with a hangover is not fun.

Got off the bike after 5 miles and sat in a town while Lawrence went on a short ride.

No further comment.

Lesson #8 - Living in luxury after a full day of riding is heaven.

I admit it - I wish I was totally rich. I adore nice accommodations. Christie Lodge treated us like royalty. They even set up a bike washing station. I fell in love with the place. These folks actually donated three free nights to the raffle. I considered jumping up and screaming, "I won! I won! I won!" when they called out a number even if it wasn't mine in hopes the real holder of the ticket would be too embarrassed to disappoint this very excited woman. But it was so cold out I found I was frozen and couldn't move when the moment came. You'd think with all those motorcyclists somebody would have remembered at least one of the 300 jackets we'd left in our rooms.

Lesson #9 - COG members have only one topic of conversation - crashing.

I haven't seen such glee in a conversation about injury since Mel Gibson took his clothes off in Lethal Weapon III while showing his scars off to a sexy cop. Partly I find interesting this fascination with crashing because of how conscious everyone is about protective gear. My first encounter with COG left me impressed that the vast majority of folks wore boots, Aerostitch or leather pants and jackets, gloves, and full face helmets. Can you imagine someone showing up in thongs, shorts, a tank top, and a dome helmet. Sorry dude, wrong club.

Lesson #10 - Although everyone loves talking about crashing - it's really terrifying when it happens.

While riding mid pack at Black Canyon on the Gunnison, I watched a bike right in front of us go down hard. It was an explosion of parts and dirt. I heard in my intercom, "Oh my god, that was Marlyn!" Jim Clark and Lawrence parked and ran over to a body that was not moving. I hate to admit my reaction, but I confess my first thought - If he's dead, I don't want to see it. If he's got major injuries, I don't want to look. So I ran up the road to flag someone down for help and make sure they didn't hit the bikes which were so hurriedly parked in the middle of the road. Then I heard them speaking to the rider, "How many fingers am I holding up?" "Three." Finally I looked their direction - three fingers. A good sign.

The paramedics arrived and ended up taking Marlyn away in an ambulance. I had to smile when Marlyn said, "Oh man, now my wife's gonna make me sell my bike." By the way, he was very seriously bruised, but O.K.

The funny thing was, while a couple of us stood to keep shade on the poor guy in pain - everybody else goofed around with what was left of the motorcycle. They were obsessed with getting it to work. Ron Ramlow got so excited when the thing actually started, that he rode it missing one handlebar two miles to a turnout and parked it. Geez Ron, I can't believe you tried to steal the poor guy's bike. I guess Ron must really miss having a Connie.

Lesson #11 - Men - please don't leave an O Ring throttle lock on the bedstead for your wife to find when she's never seen one before - especially if you're newlyweds.

"Lawrence, honey, what is this doing on the bedstead?"

"Sam loaned it to me. He recommended it."

"Loaned - are you suppose to give it back after you use it?"

"He says I can keep it if I like it."

"Doesn't it look like it would be a bit tight?"

"It has to be snug or it won't work. You know, it gives my hand a rest so it doesn't get so tired."

"O.K., whatever turns you on."

"Turns me on? Honey, it's a throttle lock."

"A throttle? Well that's a euphemism I haven't heard before, sexy."

[The rest of this is censored]

Lesson #12 - Nick Ienatsch is a fantastic guest speaker.

I admit, 95% of what he said went over my head. But I didn't care because the guy was so funny and cute. (Well... not as good looking as Lawrence, but still cute. Whew, got out of that one.)

Lesson #13 - It is not necessary to see the speedometer to know how fast you are going.

I am 5'1", Lawrence is 6'. The result is that I am too short to see the speedometer. When I first rode with Lawrence I could tell when we went over 80 MPH by how hard I was getting buffeted. He was so sweet and concerned about my discomfort. So he bought a Rifle windscreen to cut the buffeting. Now the ride is so smooth I can't tell what speed we're going. Wasn't that sweet of him?

The only problem now is that I have to tell him to slow down when he reaches 100 MPH because the right footpeg vibrates so hard. Lawrence says he wants me to be comfortable so he'll fix that vibration right away. Isn't he thoughtful? I wonder if he'll use duct tape?

Lesson #14 - I think we could actually earn an Ironbutt pin.

The night before going home, Lawrence asked what route I would like to take for the return trip. Unfortunately for him, he actually asked with the intent of listening and seriously considering my wishes instead of nodding and doing what he wanted. The result was, I thought it would be a cinch to ride from Avon to Reno. Hey, my attitude was let's get past Nevada as fast as possible. He told me that would mean a 900 mile ride. Never having ridden 900 miles in one day, that didn't mean a lot to me. 900 miles and 14 hours later I knew. Acute helmet hair. Yeah, the riding was tiring. But what it did to our hair was inhuman. They shouldn't call it "Ironbutt", they should call it "PlasteredHair".

Lesson #15 - Call your mom when you get home.

Remember, it doesn't matter what your age is, mom worries about you. She'd much rather you spent your spare time doing something like, oh, knitting for example. But you don't, instead you make her crazy with worry and ride a motorcycle. So call your mom. She'll give you a lecture about the dangers of motorcycle riding - but only because she loves you.

Ange
angedee@home.com

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